February 19, 2014
By: Linda Case Gibbons
It’s a club not too many people know exists. It’s called the "I Said It, So That Means I Did It” Club.
There are a lot of prominent members.
Being a member saves you a lot of work. The rules clearly state that you can talk the talk and forget about all that walking.
You can promise, but never have to deliver.
You can become known as a stalwart advocate for women, then never give another thought to the women left in Afghanistan at the mercy of the Taliban.
You can announce an "aggressive plan to prevent traffic deaths” one day, then "aggressively” drive your SUV, two-car "caravan” through a couple of stop signs in Queens.
If there are questions afterwards like "How can you…,” refer them to some agency for an explanation. To admit what you did was inconsistent, perhaps even hypocritical would be absurd!
Your best bet when caught in a mistake is to follow up immediately with another one like jay- walking to show everyone (1) how silly laws are, and (2) if there are laws, they certainly don’t apply to you! What do people think you are? A role model?
Heck, no! This is a "Do as I say, not as I do” club.
Your promises can be made to whomever you want, but the entire United States population has a nice ring to it. For instance, if you want to promise the little people that if they like their yada and their yada, they can keep them.
You can tell them they will save $2,500 a year on that yada yada, and then explain how complicated websites and criminal background checks are.
If the whole deal goes south, as you always knew it would, don’t sweat it. Turn around and promise "them” something else! Tell them they will save $8,000 a year on fuel costs because of the new EPA standards imposed on cars and trucks.
To make your progressive agenda effective, remember that you are entitled to invoke snappy little slogans like "A Tale of Two Cities,” or "Hope and Change” to explain the shameful disparity you see in this god-awful country, or in your god-awful city, or in the newsroom.
It showcases your compassion.
"Disparity” should always be the bedrock of your agenda. Consistently emphasize that it exists between groups -- like the rich who are favored over the poor, or U.S. citizens who are favored over "people in the shadows.”
Disparity always works. If you're in a tight spot, throw in racism.
From time to time, drop the word "infrastructure” into the mix. You don’t have to really fix the bridges and roads, but it sounds good to let people know you’re at least thinking about them.
While doing all of the above, always say whatever you are doing is for the "good of the people.” After that you are absolutely within your rights to do whatever you want.
You can pick up the phone when a pal of yours gets picked up by the cops for ignoring outstanding warrants and get your buddy a Get-Out-of-Jail-Free card.
If the pal is a prominent (?) Brooklyn pastor who has no established church and has been reported as stiffing some of his creditors, no problem. It’s just "equalizing some of that disparity,” not political cronyism. It’s all good.
You can exempt anyone and any group from anything you choose. The police commissioner will back you up. So will the mainstream media. And your political allies.
When things so south, haul out the "Secretary of Health and Human Services,” the "Chairman of the President’s Council of Economic Advisers,” the ambassador to the United Nations or the attorney general. They’ll all back you up with whatever excuse you come up with.
At a staged press conference and double time on Sunday TV.
Don’t over think it. You’ll know which moves to make when your particular scenario starts to go downhill. And don’t get discouraged by failure. Membership in this club means never having to say you’re sorry.
Instead, if your plan fails, come up with another one! Promise whatever pops into your head because in your heart you know (1) your plan won’t apply to you or anyone you decide to exempt and (2) it’s good for your re-election.
What you say doesn’t have to be true, it just has to sound good. And throwing in some kind of money is good. After all, who doesn’t like to save a buck?
Afterwards when the money doesn’t pan out, because it never was going to, blame the numbers. We all know how hard math is. The numbers are just so elusive.
It’s not like two and two add up to four…
Take the Congressional Budget Office. Their report said that increasing the minimum wage will cost jobs.
You could still stick with raising the minimum wage, taking into consideration the facts. But no. What you should do is attack the CBO. Attack the facts. Act insulted. Then finish up by saying "my economists can beat your economists.”
It always works.
If you find that you’re not getting the adoration you deserve, level the playing field. After all, it’s your ball, so you can make the rules.
If all the news media isn’t being fair, call in the Federal Communications Commission. Why not? It’s your commission!
Call it a study. Have George Soros back it. Say there are "minders” who will spy, I mean, monitor newsrooms to see if the public’s "critical information needs” are being met, you know, burning issues like public health, politics, transportation and the environment.
No, not things like Benghazi or scandals.
Tell the minders to ask questions about "news philosophy" and "editorial judgment.” Well they were supposed to, that is until someone yelled "Hey! Invasive!” Yeah, I guess it was because the "study” and those questions are being suspended for now.
For now.
Somebody noticed and remembered we have a First Amendment.
Not that The New York Times, mainstream media or the Associated Press noticed. They don’t spend a lot of time on the Club’s activities. It took these news outlets a while before reporting on this story.
But that’s a plus for you. Then start eliminating annoying people, you know, the ones who ask questions and have the guts to address inconsistencies in the workings of our government. After that, you’re home free.
Take Jay Leno for instance. Replace him. His humor hit a little too close to home. What in the world was he thinking?
Now, "Too hip for the room” Jimmy Fallon will help you level your playing field.
He’s eager, he’s a liberal. He’ll suck up to anyone he has to, some say in a disgusting fashion, but who am I to judge? And he packs his Late Night with chock’a’ block political liberals, including Michelle Obama and Joe Biden.
He’s a very useful tool for The Club. But what can you expect? When he allowed his program’s band, led by Ahmir "Questlove” Thompson, to play Lyin’ Ass Bitch when Rep. Michele Bachmann appeared on his show, you knew the boy was going places!
He wouldn’t be chastised, but he was sure to be rewarded.
It’s what the Club does, folks. It’s in their by-laws.
Hold the line, America.