"You ask if I have a God complex? Let me tell you something: I AM God!” Alec Baldwin in the film "Malice”
October 9, 2013
Linda Case Gibbons
I had the pleasure of meeting with a god this week.
No, not Obama. -- Neptune, the Roman god. And I have to say he was agitated.
I wondered, is that even possible? What could annoy a god who controls anything he wants to and answers to no one?
Well, I guess it is possible, because I’ve seen Obama pretty annoyed lately.
The reason for our meeting was the closing of the ocean in Florida this weekend. The National Park Service there advised charter boat captains that Florida Bay was "closed” due to the shutdown. As you might know, water is kind of Neptune’s area, so he was out of sorts to say the least.
And he wanted to go on record.
"I’m a little miffed,” he started our sit-down by saying. "Florida Bay is water, you know,” he said, slamming his enchanted trident down at his side, his slightly sea-green face showing displeasure.
I just nodded. He was right, although I was surprised when he used the word "miffed.”
An order was issued. It stated that fishing boats were prohibited from taking fishermen into 1,100 square miles of open ocean and no fishing was allowed at Biscayne National Park.
"I was saying to my brothers, you know Jupiter and Pluto? What the heck, guys! I thought it was decided that the oceans were mine!”
He stopped to explain, "We divided the world, you know. Jupiter rules the heavens, Pluto the underworld. Separation of powers. Even we don’t cross those lines.
"Anyhow, sure, I can wreck havoc and dispense favors to whomever I want if they bring me gifts and pay me tribute, but who is this guy in your empire to close my ocean? I am the Lord of the Seas after all!”
This is true.
He grunted angrily, then took a slug of water and settled in to talk.
"I have heard that this man Obama boasted at, what do you call it? The Democratic convention? That his nomination was the moment ‘when the rise of the oceans began to slow and our planet began to heal.’
"This is untrue. He has no such powers. He reminds me a lot of Caesar. Julius thought he was all-knowing and all-powerful, too.
"But to be fair, which, by the way, I have no obligation to be, because I am a god,” he said. "But, to be fair, Julius was a gallant warrior and a skilled tactician. Of course he did pack the senate with allies and required them to grant him honors and titles! But, hey, that’s just Julius.
"My point is he earned the honors bestowed on him. What deeds has your president done to deserve exalting himself?
As gods will do, he answered himself.
"I observed that he spent $93 million silver denarii on some mode of communication, one that would engage his citizens in a plan designed to keep them healthy and well. It would bring money into his coffers, but it was a plan to which they were vehemently opposed!
"Then he did not test it! He did not plan ahead! And it did not work! These are not the actions of a skilled and sensible leader.
He shook his head and his mop of wild, white hair seemed to exude electricity.
"But back to my realm. These "park rangers” who closed my waters. I heard they were told to make life as difficult for people as they could.
"Now if you know anything about my family, that’s what we do! We’re gods. It’s our business to control everything we can, to frighten mortals, to make things difficult. But who is this ‘president?’ This is not his realm!”
Neptune seemed to want to vent some more and I was all for it. He was saying the things a lot of us have been thinking.
"You have to understand, I am a god. I can travel through time, assume many forms. And there’s this thing I do with thunderbolts…
"Because I am immortal, I have seen things over eons that at times even I could not understand. Unfortunately I see things unfolding in your empire which I would call an abuse of power. And, believe me, with Julius Caesar and his triumvirate, I have seen abuse of power.
"It is my view that no good leader should assume powers such as those I see being seized by your president. Not unless, as was true in Rome, he was unopposed by a citizenry mostly comprised of slaves.
"Your Valley Forge National Park was closed by him, true? Is that not an honored place, the scene of one of your country’s historical battles against one of your mighty foes?
"This does not seem proper, yet an edict was issued to a runner with the name of John Bell, to punish him just for the crime of running through the land there!
"I have no problem with this man being punished. It is not my area. But it seems arbitrary, capricious and foolish.
"The man was merely using the air and the earth! Perhaps he was a slave, I could understand that. Romans gave short shrift to slaves. Perhaps that is what your president did here. He gave orders that the man, a citizen, be treated like a slave.
"Moving right along. I would like to address his treatment of military soldiers.
"I observe he treats them with great disdain. And I must admit, I have a soft spot for warriors.
"He denies older warriors the honor that is theirs when they return in triumph to the seat of your government, your Washington, D.C. He does not welcome them with crowns of laurel, but instead visits disgrace and humiliation upon them after their years of valiant service by making them know they are not welcome.
"In Rome, as here, soldiers were crucial to the empire and as such were respected. But your leader’s actions show that although your warriors fight for their empire, they are not respected and are not a priority to him.
"This does not matter to me. What does irk me – and gods hate being irked -- is I am hearing that your leader will not bring the bodies of young warriors back from the battlefield!
"He said he had not the money to do so! He placed the blame for this grievous deed on a ‘shutdown?’ What is this? Does he not have gold in reserve for these things? Must the familia of these brave men find the gold themselves to bury their dead?”
I had nothing.
"I ruled the mortal world in a time long gone by. I ruled according to ancient rules which no longer apply. Yet, I am amazed to see the vain and violent behavior which I have used as a god being used at this time in your empire.
"Equality did not exist in Rome. It was a grand civilization, but it was built on the backs of many, with power reserved for the few. I see this same inequality returning to your fine empire, with this leader.”
He looked at me and there was sadness in his sea blue eyes.
"And it did not end well for the Roman Empire. But you already know this.”
Then he rose from his chair.
"But the time for me to leave is upon us. I have to nip up to Mount Olympus first.
He fixed me with a stare. "I know, the Mount is for Greek gods and we’re supposed to live ‘everywhere,’ but I have a little condo on the Mount. It’s more comfortable.
"Anyhow, as I was saying I have to go to the Mount and then tend to a little hurricane I’m whipping up down in the Gulf. Thankfully, your president cannot keep me from doing my thing.”
And with a crack of thunder, he was gone.
As I mopped up the water and seaweed from his chair, I pondered his words.
He brings up a good point, I thought. How can the man we call our president keep us from doing our thing?
And I realized. He can’t – unless we let him get away with it.
Hold the line, America.